you traded sex for a burrito?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
