He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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