"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
