i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
as a side note pls kill me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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