glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
