I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
