Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
