2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
