Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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