Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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