i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
