oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
