and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
