Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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