is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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