So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
