Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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