So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize