i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
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She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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