Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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