I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
