Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
