It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
