Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
