I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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