Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
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He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
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yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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