Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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