I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
