this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
