She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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