You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
