Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
