I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
