i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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