im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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