today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
