Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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