Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
