and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
