I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
