Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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