I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
