I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
