Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
