hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
