do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
