It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
