i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
