My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
