weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
