I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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