oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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