I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize