Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
