Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
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i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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