Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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