hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
